1854) I admit, the scars are satisfying. But I’m scared to go deeper because then I will have to explain myself. How did I even get here?
1853) Throughout the day I draw tally marks on my hand for how many times I should, deserve, or want to cut.
1852) My sister has seen my scars. She knows about my self harm and I feel like I can tell her anything. She is the only person who actually cared enough to help me, and she’ll even stay up all night with me while I’ve been cutting and crying. She cares, and that is why I love her more than anyone else in the world. She is the only person I can trust. <3
1851) i’ve been clean for years. but the urge is uncontrollable. i am bad. i make bad things happen. i need to cut. it’s what i deserve. it’s my compensation. while i’m cutting i bleed out the bad. i am good. i am beautiful despite the fat that clings to my middle. i am better when the bad is bled.
1850) i miss it.
1849) They told me to try the ice technique. They say it stings just as bad; but I can’t take the eyes on me as I creep to the fridge, it’s like they all know. So I’m back to hiding in the bathroom with my best friend, the straight blade.
1848) I remember one day my friend had a headache. I told everyone a story I heard about a guy whose headaches were so bad he would bang his head off a wall because that way, the pain was brought outside his head where he could control it. Everyone laughed at how messed up that was. That’s when I realised what it would be like if they knew about my cutting because it’s the same thing. I’d rather inflict the pain myself, than deal with the pain deep inside my brain, where I have no control over it.
1847) I relapsed yesterday and I could feel everything coming back as I held the razor, all the blood and all the crying and shaking and craving. I’m a monster.
1846) I’m on vacation with my friend and her family. All I want to do is lock myself in my room and drag my blade across my skin. One more day, just one more day. Until then, I’ll dig my nails into my arm, read this blog, and pretend I’m making blood flow. Because that’s all I’m good at. That’s what I need. Scars.
1845) I used to think that my scars were the only beautiful part of my body. I felt worthless without them. I know now that it’s not true but for a long time after I stopped, I missed them because I didn’t feel like there was anything about me that was beautiful or special anymore.
1844) i just want to cut and see the blood. to see something from me and on me that’s real…’cos this life i’ve got outside doesn’t even begin to touch the reality that’s inside.
1843) i watched 28 days with my mom and brother, i know its an old movie…
but when it got to the scene where andrea cut herself, my brother said eurgh thats stupid.
Little did He know that i used to do it and still has the temptation to pick up a blade and slice through my skin to see the blood slowly trickle down.
I am going to keep this a secret from my family. they will never know.
1842) I quit over two years ago. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I simply stopped. So why have I suddenly started again?
1841) I was born in the wrong body, and now I’m punishing it for betraying me. I’m scared of what people might say if they find out. My mom works with kids who cut, and it tears me apart that she doesn’t know.
1840) I was 3 years clean. For the past week i haven’t been able to stop cutting.