1850) i miss it.
1849) They told me to try the ice technique. They say it stings just as bad; but I can’t take the eyes on me as I creep to the fridge, it’s like they all know. So I’m back to hiding in the bathroom with my best friend, the straight blade.
1848) I remember one day my friend had a headache. I told everyone a story I heard about a guy whose headaches were so bad he would bang his head off a wall because that way, the pain was brought outside his head where he could control it. Everyone laughed at how messed up that was. That’s when I realised what it would be like if they knew about my cutting because it’s the same thing. I’d rather inflict the pain myself, than deal with the pain deep inside my brain, where I have no control over it.
1847) I relapsed yesterday and I could feel everything coming back as I held the razor, all the blood and all the crying and shaking and craving. I’m a monster.
1846) I’m on vacation with my friend and her family. All I want to do is lock myself in my room and drag my blade across my skin. One more day, just one more day. Until then, I’ll dig my nails into my arm, read this blog, and pretend I’m making blood flow. Because that’s all I’m good at. That’s what I need. Scars.
1845) I used to think that my scars were the only beautiful part of my body. I felt worthless without them. I know now that it’s not true but for a long time after I stopped, I missed them because I didn’t feel like there was anything about me that was beautiful or special anymore.
1844) i just want to cut and see the blood. to see something from me and on me that’s real…’cos this life i’ve got outside doesn’t even begin to touch the reality that’s inside.
1843) i watched 28 days with my mom and brother, i know its an old movie…
but when it got to the scene where andrea cut herself, my brother said eurgh thats stupid.
Little did He know that i used to do it and still has the temptation to pick up a blade and slice through my skin to see the blood slowly trickle down.
I am going to keep this a secret from my family. they will never know.
1842) I quit over two years ago. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I simply stopped. So why have I suddenly started again?
1841) I was born in the wrong body, and now I’m punishing it for betraying me. I’m scared of what people might say if they find out. My mom works with kids who cut, and it tears me apart that she doesn’t know.
1840) I was 3 years clean. For the past week i haven’t been able to stop cutting.
1839) i don’t want a relationship. This new guy that im with, everytime we make out, or he strokes my thigh i tense up, freeking out that he will feel my cuts on my legs, i hate keeping this secret life from him. Im not the girl he wants, deserves or thinks i am.
1838) The first time I cut myself I was in second grade. I removed the razor from my pencil sharpener and began cutting open my arms and legs. I loved the way it felt, so I continued for a few weeks. My Dad caught me once, and I said that I was “trying to shave my legs and arms”, even though I knew that wasn’t why. He still doesn’t know that I was doing it on purpose, and that I have done it ever since because I fear it will upset him if he knows I really enjoy it.
1837) I started cutting in grade 4. it was a horrible to be ready to die at such a young age. My parents were having a rough time so in grade 5 i moved. i was so happy because i thought ‘Hey maybe i can start all over and make new friends’ and i did make new friends. but i didn’t stop cutting. i told my best friends that i cut. One month later their doing it and making up excuses on why there cutting themselves. no every day i have to see the monsters that i have created.
1836) I cut on my soles, now. Yes, on the feet. Nobody can see those, and, though it doesn’t bleed, it stings a lot when I walk if I cut deep enough, so I can feel it and remind myself why I have to do that. Every. Single. Hour. I feel like I deserve this pain.